Bitter Ends
by EternallyEC
Summary: SUMMARY: John does the unthinkable. How does Natalie react? WARNINGS: ANGST! MAJOR angst.Author's Notes: I started this the other night feeling exhausted and quite depressed... Finished it tonight thanks to Ashley's urging and the muse's cooperatives. Als


Disclaimer: I own nothing, don't sue.

Author's Notes: I started this the other night feeling exhausted and quite depressed... Finished it tonight thanks to Ashley's urging and the muse's cooperatives. (Also I'm sure the numerous reviews for my other fics worked wonders D)

WARNINGS: ANGST. MAJOR angst.

Title: Bitter Ends

John's hand trembled as he reached for the gun. The sweat ran down his face as he rolled the gun around in his hands, cursing himself for his cowardice. "Damn it," he whispered, taking another gulp from the bottle of Jack Daniels at his side. This was for Natalie. With him gone her marriage would have a chance, and hadn't she just told him hours ago that was all she wanted? Him gone and her marriage to work? Recalling her angry words, the last of which had been "I wish you were dead," he finally moved the gun to his mouth. He tasted cold steel and squeezed his eyes shut as he cocked the trigger. Just then, there was a knock on the door and he froze, wondering if he should take it as a sign or just hurry his plans. The knocking began again, and he pulled the trigger...

On the other side of the door Natalie's eyes widened in terror at the sound of a gunshot. She began beating on the door again, adding her screams to the frenzy this time. After only a moment Roxy came flying up the stairs, already fumbling for the key. "Nattie, somebody heard a gunshot--" "It was in John's room and now he's not answering! Oh my god Roxy he has to be okay. The last time I talked to him I said--I said--" She buried her face in her hands, trembling violently. Roxy shook her until she parted her fingers to meet her gaze. "Nattie. You need to go downstairs and wait for the cops." "Roxanne, I have to see if he's okay--" "Nattie, if he's not I ain't letting you see that. Now go downstairs!" Natalie glared at her and stomped down the stairs angrily.

"Come on baby, go in..." Roxy muttered as her trembling caused the key to repeatedly miss the lock. Finally it went in and she twisted it, opening the door as quickly as she could. Coughing from the heavy stench of whiskey, her hand searched for the light switch. She hit it and immediately turned around to retch at the sight waiting for her. John was sitting on the ground leaning back against the bed, his head having been thrown back by the force of the shot. The goriness of the scene shook Roxy to the core like nothing else had ever done... and she'd seen some bad things in her life. She heard the faint sound of sirens in the distance and scrambled to her feet, wiping her mouth with a trembling hand. Thoughts of her daughter were all she had; she couldn't let Natalie see this.

She shut the door and walked downstairs, meeting the paramedics and cops at the door. "He's upstairs, and it ain't pretty," she whispered to the nearest, watching a still pale and trembling Natalie scrutinize her from the desk. She took a deep breath as the officials rushed upstairs and she walked to Natalie. "Baby, he--" Natalie's face collapsed and she fell into Roxy's arms. "What the hell happened?" she whispered when she finally could breathe again. Roxy brushed her hair out of her face as she replied, "He shot himself, baby." Natalie's hand flew to her mouth as memories of their last conversation went through her head...

_"I love you, Natalie. Doesn't that mean anything?" She'd glared at him; unable to believe he was using that. "Hell no it doesn't, not now. How am I supposed to believe a word out of your mouth now? No, John all that I want is to live my happily married life with Cristian and have you disappear. That's right John, I wish you were dead!" She turned and stalked out of the hotel..._

Natalie began to sob and hyperventilate. "Oh my god, Roxy... I told him I wished he were dead. He thought I was serious! Damn it, this is my fault!" She buried her face in Roxy's shirt as her chest tightened, leaving her unable to breathe as everything went black...

She awoke in the hospital surrounded by the Buchanans, plus Roxy and Rex. All it took was a second of seeing the pity in everyone's eyes for the truth to hit her again. John was dead, because of her. She collapsed into tears as her family moved in to comfort her.

A week later, the day of the funeral dawned bright and sunny. Natalie rolled over, cursing the sunlight. Funeral days were supposed to be gray and gloomy, couldn't the weather cooperate with her mood? She rolled out of bed, pulling on a black dress and debating whether to put on make-up. She decided against it, knowing that she would cry it off anyway. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried so much--certainly Cristian's second death hadn't caused her this much pain.

The church service was filled with as many tears as you could imagine, as Eve, Michael, Bo, Natalie and even Viki took the stage to talk about the man Llanview had loved so. Evangeline had wanted to speak, but Eve and Natalie had agreed it would be in very bad taste, but they invited her to attend. She was offended of course and deliberately stayed away, not that anyone noticed.

Natalie stood alone at the cemetery, knowing that everyone blamed her for John's death. She had started the divorce proceedings the day after getting out of the hospital, but still many were appalled that she, a married woman (and adulteress they whispered behind their hands), had gotten up to talk of how much she had loved John.

As the coffin was lowered, her eyes filled with fresh tears as she remembered the times they'd had together... After the closing prayer was finished, she hurried to the car, leaning against it and praying for strength to face the condolences of those she knew were gossiping about her right now. She owed it to John to be at his reception. He would have expected her to meet the whispered accusations and pointed stares with her head up, not letting them get to her. She wasn't about to disappoint him.

FIN


End file.
